Thoughts After Vision Quest
Yesterday I was excited. I felt so ready to let go of the past, to forget the old pains and move on. The grief felt done, the grasping over. It felt like such a relief, a new timeline of ease and vibrancy. Today, I don't want to go. Resistance is high. I feel heavy and on the verge of tears as I sit on this plane. I long for what is already dead. I know it's dead, I've stared at the corpse of this love, and yet here my heart goes, starting the old game of chasing and grasping in desperation. I know I am going into the wilderness to have pieces of me die. To come to terms with what is already dead. But what will be left when I return?
We are taking 4 days to drive to the site of our Vision Quest, taking time to ease into Nature and begin to listen and receive. Yesterday was a hard day for me emotionally. Then an eagle feather found me in the middle of a parking lot. In Native tradition, eagle feathers carry powerful medicine and connect us to Spirit. They represent honesty, truth, majesty, strength, courage, wisdom, power and freedom. Hard to believe I found this sacredness in a parking lot, but so magical. Hard to believe I have the courage to do this journey, but I've already been blessed with so much magic. Moving between many emotions and experiences, it feels in some way that I'm living many timelines at once, at the same time I'm trying (and often succeeding) to be present to this entire special journey.
9/1/17 - 9/4/17
Coming soon (ish)
Post Vision Quest
I have never felt so in love in my life. I cry at the sight of flowers growing out of rocks, and at the rising of the full moon. I feel the Divine Mother in the moisture of the gentle breeze on my sun blessed face. I bow down to ants as some of my greatest teachers, and welcome flies to feed off my body. I am humbled by this magnificent Earth. My heart sings, and I devote my life to honoring the Great Spirit that moves through all of her children.
This is not real. The screen you are reading this on is not real. Social media is not real. The government we argue about isn't real. The economy we worry about isn't real. All these things and most things we create drama about are not natural, not made by nature, but created by humans. It would do us good to remember what is real. Earth, water, fire, air - these are real. The winds, the trees, the sun, the rivers - these are real. Your beautiful aging body with its wrinkles and scars, badges of a well-lived life - this is real. You're beating heart, your spiritual heart, which opens and overflows when you are in love or in the presence of beauty - this is real. The creative thoughts, the insights - even these are real, though they are not yours, you are simply an instrument through which the Great Spirit sings her wisdom. Know what is real. And which do you worship? Are you depressed or anxious? Look at what you are worshiping by putting your energy towards. Keep coming back to what is real - your breath, your heart, this Earth. Get down on your knees and pray to her - smell the dirt, learn from the ants, hear the melody of the wind in the trees. Know what is real and keep coming back. This is how you will (re)learn how to live in harmony. This is how you will heal your suffering.
Forgive forgive forgive. Carrying our resentments clouds us from seeing how we are truly taken care of in every moment. When you feel that something is lacking, when fear of scarcity arises, when you feel someone has wronged you, ask yourself, "how am I already taken care of in this moment?" I sat in the wilderness for 3 days without food, water or shelter and still cried from gratitude for how much abundance, beauty, and support exists all around me. If I could find my greatest bliss in such personal sacrifice, then I can survive whatever slight a person of lower consciousness and vibration might unknowingly send my way. They know not what they do. They deserve compassion and forgiveness for where they are on their journey, even if it may cause me discomfort. We are all on our own journey. This is what I must keep coming back to as I reintegrate into a world where people have forgotten how to grow roots from their feet into the earth and how to blossom their hearts in recognition of themselves in each other. Having unclouded my own Vision, I must now hold space, with compassion and forgiveness, for this unfolding in others. This is the gift and the responsibility that has been entrusted in me by Great Spirit.
One of the greatest gifts I received from Vision Quest is humility. This is something I specifically prayed for. Though I have been called to my type of work by a desire to serve and a soul's knowing of my purpose, there was still an ego attachment that I had become more and more aware of. There was a desire to be recognized, to be rewarded, and this did not feel in alignment to me. Some of my most heart felt prayers were for detachment, humility, and support in being an instrument of Spirit.
It was the ego attached part of me that wanted a grand Vision - a teaching from a bear walking through my space, or a voice booming down from the clouds, or even an extra terrestrial encounter! Instead my lessons came in whispers and from ants and flies.
When I first got to my hocoka and the ants began crawling all over me, the flies buzzing in my ear and landing here and there, I brushed them away (gently and without anger, at least, but admittedly with some discomfort and annoyance). Of course I knew right away there was a lesson here, and slowly I eased into comfort with sharing my body with these brothers and sisters of our Earth Mother. The queen ant in particular took a pleasing to me, and I delighted in watching her nourish herself on the salt from my dried sweat. I held space for an injured ant who took refuge on my leg. And did you know that a fly's lifespan is only 24 hours? What a blessing that these these flies choose to kiss me in the short time they have on Earth.
I could never have imagined that these little creepy crawlies and winged ones had the power to dissolve the fortress I had built around my heart. I am forever indebted to these powerful beings for the great wisdom they have gifted me.
The body is not so important. Well, not in the way we often concern ourselves - with the outward appearance of it. Today I looked in the mirror and found myself slipping into an old pattern of assessing and evaluating different parts of my body - my hair, my face, my butt, my breasts. Then I had a larger Vision (Eagle eye), and remembered that in the moon lodge and my hocoka I didn't look at myself in a mirror for 4 days. Instead, I felt and lived in my body. I bled into the earth and had dirt under my nails and through my hairline. And I never felt more at peace in my body. Instead of judging it, I allowed it to be its natural, animal self. There was a separation of the stories about self (based on expectations) from the true experience of Self, as experienced through my body, my mind, and my 6 senses. Instead of assessing myself, I interacted with Life around me,. I found myself finally living, rather than just creating an internal dialogue in my head about living. What I learned is that a body is beautiful because of the fullness of energy that moves through it, not the external form that it takes.
The night we completed, after I had enjoyed the most glorious shower of my life, I looked into the mirror and was taken aback by my beauty. I had never looked more radiant and I felt the radiance in the calmness of my energy. It's been a week since I've worn makeup and I've never felt more beautiful and confident in a completely non-attached, non-ego way. I'm pretty sure the best beauty regime in the world is a spiritual and self-love practice.
I can't beg you enough to get quiet. Go to quiet, get quiet, so that you can listen. Listen so that you can hear and know. There is so much wisdom and beauty available to us, so many messages that Spirit is trying to give us in ordinary things, so many blessings that flit in and out of the veil of this reality. But we have to S L O W down and listen and watch. I am back in a city now and I can feel my access to reality (Nature) slipping as the vibration of this alternate reality (matrix) is pulling me to resonate with it. Tonight I was lamenting to a friend that it is too loud here, I cannot hear the messages, the magic is leaving. Just then there was an animal sound and she said, "do you know that's an owl?" Of course it is. I cried, of course. Magic is still here. Messages are still accessible. But I need to really dedicate time and space to quiet. I recommend the same to everyone. Life can be so much more magical than we allow it to be. We think magic is money and fame...I know it is crickets and wind and a babbling brook. What is it for you?
I will not help you build a 6-figure business. I will help you tear down the fortress you've built around your heart, so that you can feel true love and connection again. I will help you feed your soul with things that bring you joy, so that spirit moves through you in creativity and inspiration. I will help you learn how to listen to your body, to decipher its messages, and to really learn to love it. I will guide you to healing your wounded inner child, so that you can stand on your own two feet with grounded power and confidence. I will teach you how to listen to Life to hear her wisdom, how to dance with her, and to feel that you are always supported. This is what I offer for those who have a need. A 6-figure business is a potential side effect of living your passion and purpose, but what interests me is gentle guidance back to self love and connection to Spirit - there is nothing to me more valuable than this.
I used to think sacrifice was a negative thing that ended in bitterness, resentment, and feeling trapped. Now I understand that sacrifice given willingly with an open heart only brings more love in. It nurtures our faith and trust that we will be taken care of even as we let go. To communicate with Spirit, to embody your dreams, to live in alignment with your soul's purpose and excitement always requires some sacrifice. It doesn't have to be negative, it can be sweet and given with love. I sacrificed my body during Vision Quest by not eating, drinking, bathing or having shelter and it was both the hardest and the easiest thing I've ever done. During that time, doubt left and I could trust that what would come out on the other end was worth it. Now I'm anchoring that trust again as I ease into reintegration, knowing that this space between my old life and my new life is a sacred time. I am patient, I am trusting, I am grateful. Spirit has seen my sacrifice and my humble heart, and I know new opportunities are being worked on on other levels. Trust trust trust (reminder to myself!)
My life no longer fits me. I've grown and what I've come back to doesn't fit. It's like I'm trying to stuff myself into a corset. I'm gasping for breath, I feel constricted, claustrophobic. My body is literally closing in on itself - range of motion in my arms is now limited and my chest plate keeps cracking. The only way I've ever known how to deal with sensory overload is to shut my system down in a depression. It's my instinctual survival response to being surrounded by rushing and denial. Do people even realize they live on Earth? With the amount of trash I see everywhere it seems like they don't. I don't want to hear human noises anymore, at least not the ones I've been hearing lately. I love humans but I love their natural animal selves and their raw soul essence. I'm tired of pretending all the constructs we occupy ourselves with are real or important. It's stressing my system. I feel more calm when I can interact with the elements. I feel more connected when I can hear the wind and all the little sounds animals make. I feel more safe when I can feel the arms of the Divine Mother Earth holding me through the support of rocks and tree roots. And I get excited to connect with another human's expansive loving heart. But it feels hard right now. So much noise, so many distractions. I have been crying for the calm and connection of my space on the hill. I am stretching myself to stay aligned with peace and openness. I'm praying for the wisdom of how to integrate my old self/life with my new Self and Life. I know it's coming...shortly after I wrote this I found a hawk feather.
Signs are everywhere. Pay more attention to the voice inside your head, whispering things to you. Not the voice that judges and worries. The other one - the voice that whispers ideas and creative commands.
Out on vision quest I would be lying down and then I would think, "Sit up." At first I responded, "nah that's my own mind, I'm just gonna lay here," but then I heard it again. So I sat up. Then I heard, "get up and dance." So I did, and it felt great and I think it pleased the spirits. On the last night out, I didn't even realize I'd had a vision because I was expecting something external, like a voice booming from the sky. Instead I had an entire story happen inside my head that at first I dismissed because it was in my head. Now I realize the incredible wisdom and healing it held, and I understand that the "random" thoughts I have are actually messages and medicine. .
Yesterday I went back to nature and I cried for awhile at a creek, after which I felt relieved, my heart more soft and open. I could have stayed there for hours, but I had the thought to hike awhile. As I was hiking I felt pulled to go off the trail to a clearing of trees in the distance. I hesitated and thought about it, and decided to follow the pull. I went into the clearing, walked around with an open heart, and that is when I found these feathers. Hawk feathers are special gifts, messengers of Spirit who remind us to pay attention to the signs. With so much gratitude I thought, "I am seeing all the signs," and in response I was guided to look down and there I found another feather.
...more to come!
9/18/2017 09:48:31 pm
Wow, Katya, your writing really conveys such an incredible experience. Thank you for sharing your heartfelt feelings. I really enjoyed reading your missives.
9/18/2017 10:56:22 pm
Thank you Marta! I will keep writing and updating :)
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