Today I was called a narcissist and a fraud. My first trolls on Facebook.
The other day I made a long post about changes in my life that are inspiring me to shift how I serve the world. I wrote about feeling a stronger calling and deeper alignment with my purpose as a teacher and healer. I wrote about the old feeling that I need to please others, and how this pattern has contributed to me over stretching myself. I’ve noticed that my energy, my personal life, my projects, and my capacity to serve others has been affected. I announced that I would be scaling back on some of the events I regularly offer to focus more on deeper work like training and individually supporting light workers, not by helping people to make money - though there’s nothing wrong with that and that’s a natural result of growth work - but by helping people to heal and let go of their old shit so they can move forward, feel empowered and at peace, and live a life of joy and meaning.
The gist of the message is that I am letting go of certain ways I’ve been trying to make money, and focusing instead on offering the best of what I can, trusting that I’ll be able to support myself as long as I’m staying heart-centered.
The words in my post came from a deep place within me that has taken time and effort for me to discover. They came from the part of me that it has taken me time to remember - a woman who is more aware, grounded, visionary, and who is now ready to be even more true to herself. It came from a place of knowing my spiritual purpose on Earth as an instrument of transformational energy. It comes from an understanding and humility that I serve a power greater than me, and that my purpose is larger than just taking care of myself. It was a vulnerable share about a transitional time in my life, an update for the people who follow my work, and a call to action for anyone out there who is also on the warrior healer path.
I was surprised when I received the hateful comments on my post. Of course, it was only a couple of negative comments compared with lots of positive feedback from my community. Still, those judgements have a way of sticking with us, like a painful tooth we keep on tonguing even though it just makes it worse. The beautiful thing is that the process of watching and investigating my reaction to these trolls has been an amazing opportunity for growth and learning. And it is in perfect alignment with everything else that’s been going on.
You see, I think I called in this hate. Not because I deserve it, quite the opposite. First of all, it’s a fact that the more people who read a message, the more negative comments the writer receives. It’s also important to acknowledge what’s happening on an energetic level. As I’ve been moving deeper into my own personal and spiritual evolution, I’ve been stepping into a new way of being. I could use a lot of New Age terms like: resonating at a new vibration, evolving into a new paradigm, tapping into my higher self, etc…It’s also called just choosing something different, and having the courage to act in a new way. To grow up, mature, and learn how to take care of yourself and to give back to the world in a meaningful way. Growing to understand your human and spiritual nature, and to understand that you have a purpose and responsibility to give back to the world. That’s why we are here.
We all have a greater purpose, I am not special in that regard. Everyone is here for a powerful reason, it’s just that a lot of people haven’t been given the opportunity to realize/remember that. For many people, it’s easier to stay small and stuck and pretend the world is against them and that there is no meaning. I used to be one of those people. However, this is not the Truth. I, along with many many others who have walked the good road before me and who walk with me now, choose a new way. We have done the work to remember our Truth, and for me it has changed the course of my life.
Part of this process has been letting go of old belief systems that have been keeping me small and scared and living from a place of fear and doubt. For 30 years I did not know what those subconscious beliefs and habits were, I just thought I was crazy, undisciplined, lazy, fucked up…the list goes on, mostly things I heard when I was young. So it makes total sense to me that as I step into being more embodied, empowered, and in more alignment with self-love and divine love, I also invite in more of the old energy of hate and abuse. This is the Law of Opposites. When we make an empowered decision to step into a new way of being, the universe will throw up all the old energy so you can look at it and stay strong in your commitment to your higher way of being. It’s the Universe testing you to see if you really want what you say you want.
So isn’t it interesting that last weekend when I was at the Wellness Institute I had an incredible healing session where I cried, sweat, and worked really hard and unleashed SO much old energy and cut cords with old abuse dynamics…. and then that SAME weekend the childhood abuse I thought was long done reared it’s ugly head at me through my cell phone. Here I was, releasing the old and understanding that I am a spiritual being with a mission and a purpose to serve humanity (like all of us, really), and then I am confronted with someone telling me I am a failure, a hypocrite, shameful, and selfish. This is nothing new - it’s the old dark energy flailing as it resists it’s annihilation.
This time was different. Yes it still hurt, but this time I put up a strong boundary, didn’t abandon myself, and connected to the deep inner self-love that I have fought incredibly hard to find and nurture. What a joy to able to believe in myself to the point of not being destroyed by another’s opinion! To some that may seem easy, but to those who have struggled with self-love for a long time, this is a huge success.
It felt like another success when I read those hateful Facebook comments and my first response was to laugh. Not a spiteful laugh like I used to do, but an expression of pure amusement in witnessing old energy coming to die. My heart actually softened and opened and I felt compassion for these people. It wasn’t a forced compassion like I used to try to create in the past because I’ve heard forgiveness is a good thing - this was the real deal of spontaneously transmuting hate into love.
This is exciting to me not because it makes me “a good person,” but because it is a sign to me that I am truly transforming. I am transforming trauma into empowerment, and alchemizing shadow into light. What this means is that my life actually feels GOOD and not so painful and scary anymore. It means I’m aligned more with my potential and power rather than with my old wounds and traumas. It means that the work I’ve been doing really fucking works and has been worth everything I’ve put into it. It means that the same work that I offer to others is something that will truly transform their lives, and that is something I can be confident about putting out into the world. I am truly confident with not everyone liking me, and I feel blessed to have developed the trust to know that those who I’m meant to create with will naturally connect with me. All is Divine.
In the end, it has been a wonderful growth experience to deal with trolls on my Facebook page and in my life. I can see that I am on the right path. This road may sometimes require pep-talks with myself in the mirror (something I recommend to everyone!), but I have proven to the Universe that I am standing in my heart-centered power, and I am here to stay.
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