Yesterday I was excited. I felt so ready to let go of the past, to forget the old pains and move on. The grief felt done, the grasping over. It felt like such a relief, a new timeline of ease and vibrancy. Today, I don't want to go. Resistance is high. I feel heavy and on the verge of tears as I sit on this plane. I long for what is already dead. I know it's dead, I've stared at the corpse of this love, and yet here my heart goes, starting the old game of chasing and grasping in desperation. I know I am going into the wilderness to have pieces of me die. To come to terms with what is already dead. But what will be left when I return?
We are taking 4 days to drive to the site of our Vision Quest, taking time to ease into Nature and begin to listen and receive. Yesterday was a hard day for me emotionally. Then an eagle feather found me in the middle of a parking lot. In Native tradition, eagle feathers are sacred messages from God, and represent honesty, truth, majesty, strength, courage, wisdom, power and freedom. Hard to believe I found this sacredness in a parking lot, but so magical. Hard to believe I have the courage to do this journey, but I've already been blessed with so much magic. Moving between many emotions and experiences, it feels in some way that I'm living many timelines at once, at the same time I'm trying (and often succeeding) to be present to this entire special journey.
9/1/17 - 9/4/17
Coming soon (ish)
Post Vision Quest
I have never felt so in love in my life. I cry at the sight of flowers growing out of rocks, and at the rising of the full moon. I feel the Divine Mother in the moisture of the gentle breeze on my sun blessed face. I bow down to ants as some of my greatest teachers, and welcome flies to feed off my body. I am humbled by this magnificent Earth. My heart sings, and I devote my life to honoring the Great Spirit that moves through all of her children.
This is not real. The screen you are reading this on is not real. Social media is not real. The government we argue about isn't real. The economy we worry about isn't real. All these things and most things we create drama about are not natural, not made by nature, but created by humans. It would do us good to remember what is real. Earth, water, fire, air - these are real. The winds, the trees, the sun, the rivers - these are real. Your beautiful aging body with its wrinkles and scars, badges of a well-lived life - this is real. You're beating heart, your spiritual heart, which opens and overflows when you are in love or in the presence of beauty - this is real. The creative thoughts, the insights - even these are real, though they are not yours, you are simply an instrument through which the Great Spirit sings her wisdom. Know what is real. And which do you worship? Are you depressed or anxious? Look at what you are worshiping by putting your energy towards. Keep coming back to what is real - your breath, your heart, this Earth. Get down on your knees and pray to her - smell the dirt, learn from the ants, hear the melody of the wind in the trees. Know what is real and keep coming back. This is how you will (re)learn how to live in harmony. This is how you will heal your suffering.
Forgive forgive forgive. Carrying our resentments clouds us from seeing how we are truly taken care of in every moment. When you feel that something is lacking, when fear of scarcity arises, when you feel someone has wronged you, ask yourself, "how am I already taken care of in this moment?" I sat in the wilderness for 3 days without food, water or shelter and still cried from gratitude for how much abundance, beauty, and support exists all around me. If I could find my greatest bliss in such personal sacrifice, then I can survive whatever slight a person of lower consciousness and vibration might unknowingly send my way. They know not what they do. They deserve compassion and forgiveness for where they are on their journey, even if it may cause me discomfort. We are all on our own journey. This is what I must keep coming back to as I reintegrate into a world where people have forgotten how to grow roots from their feet into the earth and how to blossom their hearts in recognition of themselves in each other. Having unclouded my own Vision, I must now hold space, with compassion and forgiveness, for this unfolding in others. This is the gift and the responsibility that has been entrusted in me by Great Spirit.
One of the greatest gifts I received from Vision Quest is humility. This is something I specifically prayed for. Though I have been called to my type of work by a desire to serve and a soul's knowing of my purpose, there was still an ego attachment that I had become more and more aware of. There was a desire to be recognized, to be rewarded, and this did not feel in alignment to me. Some of my most heart felt prayers were for detachment, humility, and support in being an instrument of Spirit.
It was the ego attached part of me that wanted a grand Vision - a teaching from a bear walking through my space, or a voice booming down from the clouds, or even an extra terrestrial encounter! Instead my lessons came in whispers and from ants and flies.
When I first got to my hocoka and the ants began crawling all over me, the flies buzzing in my ear and landing here and there, I brushed them away (gently and without anger, at least, but admittedly with some discomfort and annoyance). Of course I knew right away there was a lesson here, and slowly I eased into comfort with sharing my body with these brothers and sisters of our Earth Mother. The queen ant in particular took a pleasing to me, and I delighted in watching her nourish herself on the salt from my dried sweat. I held space for an injured ant who took refuge on my leg. And did you know that a fly's lifespan is only 24 hours? What a blessing that these these flies choose to kiss me in the short time they have on Earth.
I could never have imagined that these little creepy crawlies and winged ones had the power to dissolve the fortress I had built around my heart. I am forever indebted to these powerful beings for the great wisdom they have gifted me.
The body is not so important. Well, not in the way we often concern ourselves - with the outward appearance of it. Today I looked in the mirror and found myself slipping into an old pattern of assessing and evaluating different parts of my body - my hair, my face, my butt, my breasts. Then I had a larger Vision (Eagle eye), and remembered that in the moon lodge and my hocoka I didn't look at myself in a mirror for 4 days. Instead, I felt and lived in my body. I bled into the earth and had dirt under my nails and through my hairline. And I never felt more at peace in my body. Instead of judging it, I allowed it to be its natural, animal self. There was a separation of the stories about self (based on expectations) from the true experience of Self, as experienced through my body, my mind, and my 6 senses. Instead of assessing myself, I interacted with Life around me,. I found myself finally living, rather than just creating an internal dialogue in my head about living. What I learned is that a body is beautiful because of the fullness of energy that moves through it, not the external form that it takes.
The night we completed, after I had enjoyed the most glorious shower of my life, I looked into the mirror and was taken aback by my beauty. I had never looked more radiant and I felt the radiance in the calmness of my energy. It's been a week since I've worn makeup and I've never felt more beautiful and confident in a completely non-attached, non-ego way. I'm pretty sure the best beauty regime in the world is a spiritual and self-love practice.
I can't beg you enough to get quiet. Go to quiet, get quiet, so that you can listen. Listen so that you can hear and know. There is so much wisdom and beauty available to us, so many messages that Spirit is trying to give us in ordinary things, so many blessings that flit in and out of the veil of this reality. But we have to S L O W down and listen and watch. I am back in a city now and I can feel my access to reality (Nature) slipping as the vibration of this alternate reality (matrix) is pulling me to resonate with it. Tonight I was lamenting to a friend that it is too loud here, I cannot hear the messages, the magic is leaving. Just then there was an animal sound and she said, "do you know that's an owl?" Of course it is. I cried, of course. Magic is still here. Messages are still accessible. But I need to really dedicate time and space to quiet. I recommend the same to everyone. Life can be so much more magical than we allow it to be. We think magic is money and fame...I know it is crickets and wind and a babbling brook. What is it for you?
I will not help you build a 6-figure business. I will help you tear down the fortress you've built around your heart, so that you can feel true love and connection again. I will help you feed your soul with things that bring you joy, so that spirit moves through you in creativity and inspiration. I will help you learn how to listen to your body, to decipher its messages, and to really learn to love it. I will guide you to healing your wounded inner child, so that you can stand on your own two feet with grounded power and confidence. I will teach you how to listen to Life to hear her wisdom, how to dance with her, and to feel that you are always supported. This is what I offer for those who have a need. A 6-figure business is a potential side effect of living your passion and purpose, but what interests me is gentle guidance back to self love and connection to Spirit - there is nothing to me more valuable than this.
I used to think sacrifice was a negative thing that ended in bitterness, resentment, and feeling trapped. Now I understand that sacrifice given willingly with an open heart only brings more love in. It nurtures our faith and trust that we will be taken care of even as we let go. To communicate with Spirit, to embody your dreams, to live in alignment with your soul's purpose and excitement always requires some sacrifice. It doesn't have to be negative, it can be sweet and given with love. I sacrificed my body during Vision Quest by not eating, drinking, bathing or having shelter and it was both the hardest and the easiest thing I've ever done. During that time, doubt left and I could trust that what would come out on the other end was worth it. Now I'm anchoring that trust again as I ease into reintegration, knowing that this space between my old life and my new life is a sacred time. I am patient, I am trusting, I am grateful. Spirit has seen my sacrifice and my humble heart, and I know new opportunities are being worked on on other levels. Trust trust trust (reminder to myself!)
My life no longer fits me. I've grown and what I've come back to doesn't fit. It's like I'm trying to stuff myself into a corset. I'm gasping for breath, I feel constricted, claustrophobic. My body is literally closing in on itself - range of motion in my arms is now limited and my chest plate keeps cracking. The only way I've ever known how to deal with sensory overload is to shut my system down in a depression. It's my instinctual survival response to being surrounded by rushing and denial. Do people even realize they live on Earth? With the amount of trash I see everywhere it seems like they don't. I don't want to hear human noises anymore, at least not the ones I've been hearing lately. I love humans but I love their natural animal selves and their raw soul essence. I'm tired of pretending all the constructs we occupy ourselves with are real or important. It's stressing my system. I feel more calm when I can interact with the elements. I feel more connected when I can hear the wind and all the little sounds animals make. I feel more safe when I can feel the arms of the Divine Mother Earth holding me through the support of rocks and tree roots. And I get excited to connect with another human's expansive loving heart. But it feels hard right now. So much noise, so many distractions. I have been crying for the calm and connection of my space on the hill. I am stretching myself to stay aligned with peace and openness. I'm praying for the wisdom of how to integrate my old self/life with my new Self and Life. I know it's coming...shortly after I wrote this I found a hawk feather.
Signs are everywhere. Pay more attention to the voice inside your head, whispering things to you. Not the voice that judges and worries. The other one - the voice that whispers ideas and creative commands.
Out on vision quest I would be lying down and then I would think, "Sit up." At first I responded, "nah that's my own mind, I'm just gonna lay here," but then I heard it again. So I sat up. Then I heard, "get up and dance." So I did, and it felt great and I think it pleased the spirits. On the last night out, I didn't even realize I'd had a vision because I was expecting something external, like a voice booming from the sky. Instead I had an entire story happen inside my head that at first I dismissed because it was in my head. Now I realize the incredible wisdom and healing it held, and I understand that the "random" thoughts I have are actually messages and medicine. .
Yesterday I went back to nature and I cried for awhile at a creek, after which I felt relieved, my heart more soft and open. I could have stayed there for hours, but I had the thought to hike awhile. As I was hiking I felt pulled to go off the trail to a clearing of trees in the distance. I hesitated and thought about it, and decided to follow the pull. I went into the clearing, walked around with an open heart, and that is when I found these feathers. Hawk feathers are special gifts, messengers of Spirit who remind us to pay attention to the signs. With so much gratitude I thought, "I am seeing all the signs," and in response I was guided to look down and there I found another feather.
...more to come!
Today I was called a narcissist and a fraud. My first trolls on Facebook.
The other day I made a long post about changes in my life that are inspiring me to shift how I serve the world. I wrote about feeling a stronger calling and deeper alignment with my purpose as a teacher and healer. I wrote about the old feeling that I need to please others, and how this pattern has contributed to me over stretching myself. I’ve noticed that my energy, my personal life, my projects, and my capacity to serve others has been affected. I announced that I would be scaling back on some of the events I regularly offer to focus more on deeper work like training and individually supporting light workers, not by helping people to make money - though there’s nothing wrong with that and that’s a natural result of growth work - but by helping people to heal and let go of their old shit so they can move forward, feel empowered and at peace, and live a life of joy and meaning.
The gist of the message is that I am letting go of certain ways I’ve been trying to make money, and focusing instead on offering the best of what I can, trusting that I’ll be able to support myself as long as I’m staying heart-centered.
The words in my post came from a deep place within me that has taken time and effort for me to discover. They came from the part of me that it has taken me time to remember - a woman who is more aware, grounded, visionary, and who is now ready to be even more true to herself. It came from a place of knowing my spiritual purpose on Earth as an instrument of transformational energy. It comes from an understanding and humility that I serve a power greater than me, and that my purpose is larger than just taking care of myself. It was a vulnerable share about a transitional time in my life, an update for the people who follow my work, and a call to action for anyone out there who is also on the warrior healer path.
I was surprised when I received the hateful comments on my post. Of course, it was only a couple of negative comments compared with lots of positive feedback from my community. Still, those judgements have a way of sticking with us, like a painful tooth we keep on tonguing even though it just makes it worse. The beautiful thing is that the process of watching and investigating my reaction to these trolls has been an amazing opportunity for growth and learning. And it is in perfect alignment with everything else that’s been going on.
You see, I think I called in this hate. Not because I deserve it, quite the opposite. First of all, it’s a fact that the more people who read a message, the more negative comments the writer receives. It’s also important to acknowledge what’s happening on an energetic level. As I’ve been moving deeper into my own personal and spiritual evolution, I’ve been stepping into a new way of being. I could use a lot of New Age terms like: resonating at a new vibration, evolving into a new paradigm, tapping into my higher self, etc…It’s also called just choosing something different, and having the courage to act in a new way. To grow up, mature, and learn how to take care of yourself and to give back to the world in a meaningful way. Growing to understand your human and spiritual nature, and to understand that you have a purpose and responsibility to give back to the world. That’s why we are here.
We all have a greater purpose, I am not special in that regard. Everyone is here for a powerful reason, it’s just that a lot of people haven’t been given the opportunity to realize/remember that. For many people, it’s easier to stay small and stuck and pretend the world is against them and that there is no meaning. I used to be one of those people. However, this is not the Truth. I, along with many many others who have walked the good road before me and who walk with me now, choose a new way. We have done the work to remember our Truth, and for me it has changed the course of my life.
Part of this process has been letting go of old belief systems that have been keeping me small and scared and living from a place of fear and doubt. For 30 years I did not know what those subconscious beliefs and habits were, I just thought I was crazy, undisciplined, lazy, fucked up…the list goes on, mostly things I heard when I was young. So it makes total sense to me that as I step into being more embodied, empowered, and in more alignment with self-love and divine love, I also invite in more of the old energy of hate and abuse. This is the Law of Opposites. When we make an empowered decision to step into a new way of being, the universe will throw up all the old energy so you can look at it and stay strong in your commitment to your higher way of being. It’s the Universe testing you to see if you really want what you say you want.
So isn’t it interesting that last weekend when I was at the Wellness Institute I had an incredible healing session where I cried, sweat, and worked really hard and unleashed SO much old energy and cut cords with old abuse dynamics…. and then that SAME weekend the childhood abuse I thought was long done reared it’s ugly head at me through my cell phone. Here I was, releasing the old and understanding that I am a spiritual being with a mission and a purpose to serve humanity (like all of us, really), and then I am confronted with someone telling me I am a failure, a hypocrite, shameful, and selfish. This is nothing new - it’s the old dark energy flailing as it resists it’s annihilation.
This time was different. Yes it still hurt, but this time I put up a strong boundary, didn’t abandon myself, and connected to the deep inner self-love that I have fought incredibly hard to find and nurture. What a joy to able to believe in myself to the point of not being destroyed by another’s opinion! To some that may seem easy, but to those who have struggled with self-love for a long time, this is a huge success.
It felt like another success when I read those hateful Facebook comments and my first response was to laugh. Not a spiteful laugh like I used to do, but an expression of pure amusement in witnessing old energy coming to die. My heart actually softened and opened and I felt compassion for these people. It wasn’t a forced compassion like I used to try to create in the past because I’ve heard forgiveness is a good thing - this was the real deal of spontaneously transmuting hate into love.
This is exciting to me not because it makes me “a good person,” but because it is a sign to me that I am truly transforming. I am transforming trauma into empowerment, and alchemizing shadow into light. What this means is that my life actually feels GOOD and not so painful and scary anymore. It means I’m aligned more with my potential and power rather than with my old wounds and traumas. It means that the work I’ve been doing really fucking works and has been worth everything I’ve put into it. It means that the same work that I offer to others is something that will truly transform their lives, and that is something I can be confident about putting out into the world. I am truly confident with not everyone liking me, and I feel blessed to have developed the trust to know that those who I’m meant to create with will naturally connect with me. All is Divine.
In the end, it has been a wonderful growth experience to deal with trolls on my Facebook page and in my life. I can see that I am on the right path. This road may sometimes require pep-talks with myself in the mirror (something I recommend to everyone!), but I have proven to the Universe that I am standing in my heart-centered power, and I am here to stay.
Ah, self love. Everyone talks about it, but what is it actually? The best teachers and healers always say that a happy life comes down to loving yourself, but how do we actually do that? The path to self love can be confusing, and it’s not always as pretty as we think it should be, but it’s also not as hard as we often make it out to be.
Loving yourself means loving ALL the parts of yourself, and that’s where a lot of people get stuck. We’ve been conditioned to believe that we are only lovable when we are good - when we look the right way, behave the right way, think the right way, etc. So we try to “stay positive” and focus on the “good” parts of ourselves, and we think loving ourselves means being grateful for our positive qualities and staying aligned with them. Yes, it is essential to be grateful for these positive qualities - after all, they are unique gifts that we have to offer the world. However, this is just one part of us. There is also the shadow side.
Everyone has a shadow side. The shadow is the darker parts of who we are. It is the unresolved anger, the grief, the jealousy, the pettiness, the fear and doubt, the sabotager, the manipulator, the perpetrator…we’ve all been there. Even if today you are a totally enlightened and perfect person, most likely in the past you acted out your shadow parts, even if it was just as a child who was learning their way in the world. That is still a part of who you are, even if it’s not consciously active today.
Even though the shadow is a completely natural (and necessary) part of us, we often judge it as unacceptable. And so in an attempt to evolve and grow up and be better, we push that part away. However, the act of pushing away keeps us in a perpetual state of disintegration, which prevents us from really maturing and from experiencing wholeness. We can’t feel whole or healed when we cut off different parts of ourselves, and we definitely can’t find complete self love in this way.
We disown aspects of ourselves in so many ways - with holding patterns in the body that prevent feeling (or cause too much feeling, such as in the case of chronic pain), by repressing memories or emotions, or refusing to look at certain ares of our lives. The problem is that by shunning, disgracing, and disowning aspects of ourselves, we turn away from wholeness. We subconsciously experience a state of being split, and that drains our power to act, create, and make a positive impact in alignment with our highest values.
If you’re not sold on the idea of a person being made up of multiple parts, just think about how complex a human is. You play several roles in the course of any given day - a lover, a daughter/son, a worker, a friend, a student, a teacher, an athlete, an artist, a parent etc. or whatever applies to you. Not to mention you have a mind, a body, and a spirit. Several schools of psychology also agree that the internal landscape of a person includes an inner child part, an adult part, and a protector, among other aspects of the ego. Human beings are miraculously complex beings who can literally shape shift - think for a moment about all the different lives you’ve already lived in this one lifetime…!
When you allow yourself to only love what you deem to be the “positive” parts of yourself, you actually add more energy to the shadow through the subconscious shame that is generated about these other parts of you. Shame is the biggest enemy of self love because it gives us the message, “I am bad.” Plus, parts of you that you try to push away will often act out in an effort to be seen and integrated. There’s a saying that “what we resist persists,” and this is certainly true when it comes to the pathway of finding self love. The more you resist accepting yourself, the more you will be challenged to do so.
The bottom line is, you are made up of many different parts, and each part is integral to holding the whole of you together. This doesn’t mean that you need to act out the shadow aspects, but they must be acknowledged and integrated into your self love process. The key to accepting and integrating the shadow parts is to acknowledge the intent of that identity, emotion, etc. For instance, someone who manipulates and tries to control other people is usually operating with the intent of feeling safe and protected themselves. Manipulation and control are not behaviors that we want to perpetuate, but until we acknowledge the emotion of fear and need for a feeling of safety that drives that behavior, it will be challenging to let go of it. Only through loving that part of you that feels scared and unsafe will you be able to find the stability to release the negative behaviors and emotions that once ruled your experience.
When we talk about “letting go,” think for a moment, where is the place where all this stuff that we “let go” goes? The truth is, when it’s done in a healthy way, it doesn’t go anywhere - when we successfully let something go, it actually just becomes accepted and integrated into the whole of who we are. When that happens we can feel whole and healed and truly experience the meaning of self love.
Our true work on this path of growth is to expand our consciousness and capacity to contain different perspectives and aspects, so that we can honor all of them at once without feeling split. The paradox is that we must first see what is and love what is before we can create and anchor what is possible. This is the pathway to true self love and soul evolution. If it's possible for me, then it's definitely possible for you. What one person can do, any person can do. For me, I was finally able to attain this through Heart Centered Hypnotherapy, which I've incorporated into my Higher Self Therapies system. Find whatever works best for you, and then get to the work of loving yourself. You can do this - I believe in you, and I love you.
People talk about New Year's being an aribtrary construct in time, how time is continuous and we should always be reflecting and striving to be better, not just once a year. This is absolutely true, and it is an intention I continually strive toward throughout any year. And yet, we as humans are intertwined in this concept of time to help us make sense of our world and our lives. This is what compells us to categorize a year as good or bad, even though 365 days usually includes a mix of both lessons and laughter. I like the idea of honoring the New Year because I think it's a good reminder for us to check in and see that we are in alignment with our highest values and intentions. We can't have an extraordinary life if we are not.
One of the most valuable things I do around New Year's is an "Inegrity checklist." This is an opportunity to see where I am not in alignment with my values and to recommit to my integrity. Notice that I said values, not goals. Goals are essential in their own right, but goals should reflect values. If your life isn't aligned with your values, then your goals aren't aligned either. To live in alignment with your values is the integrity upon which all grace is built.
Integrity means wholeness. For myself, I cannot feel whole when I have let loose ends fly. There are a lot of mundane human-type things that I hate to do and which I procrastinate (sometimes a whole year!), like going to the dentist, opening my mail, cleaning out my closet, and canceling that damn gym membership I never use. But I know that if I don't have a clean living space my mind will feel cluttered; if I have to-do lists constantly running in the background of my mind, my attention and energy will be sucked up; and if I have financial leaks in my life, I will not feel supported. I also know that being disorganized and late on correspondence or appoinments do not reflect my core values of being considerate, organized, financially stable, and in good physical health (among other things!).
In order to be able to focus time and energy towards bigger goals, to feel whole and capable of achieving one's highest dreams, a person has to tie up loose ends. If we say we want to live a life without stress, we need to stay on top of the things that, when they pile up, cause stress. For me, as a regular human like you, I am not perfect and I can be forgetful and even (gasp!) lazy about doing this. So, the New Year is a good time for me to check in with myself and see where I can be doing better to live in alignment with what I say I want. I take the last few weeks in December to complete any tasks that have been consciously or subconsciously weighing on me. In addition to my own end-of-the-year to-do list mentioned above, this process can also look like: scheduling a health exam, getting your car detailed, paying off any debts, collecting any debts, making that phone call you've been avoiding, cleaning out your email box, cleaning the gutters, returning any borrowed goods, donating unused items, etc. Make a list and do what you can to check them off. Even if you don't complete it before January, you will at least move into the new year more organized about where your focus is.
When I think about integrity meaning wholeness and integration of parts, I also consider the value of nurturing the connection between my mind, body, and spirit. For me, staying aligned with spirit is one of my most heart-felt values and intentions. That's why I love marking the New Year with a special ritual. When we add ritual to an action we add meaning and purpose. When we live from intention in this way, whether during ceremonies, holidays, or just in daily life, we live in integrity with ourselves. This is how we create the foundation for our most courageous dreams to root.
For the last few years I have chosen not to do the typical New Year's activity of going to someplace loud and crowded - that is not my scene anymore (frankly, it never really was). Instead, I have chosen to spend some sacred time with one special person in my life (last year it was my mom, the year before it was my soul sister Rachel). I create a ceremony to honor what has passed, reaffirm my comitments to myself, and call in the highest expression of my dreams.
How a New Year ritual looks is a personal choice. For me it includes setting sacred space by creating an altar with some candles, crystals, and scents, and calling on my spirit and higher power (if that doesn't resonate with you, you can call on your higher self). Sitting in meditation, I review the last calendar year and, with an eagle's perspective, open my heart in graritude for all the lessons I have learned. After that, I will get a candle (one of those tall clear glass ones) and with a Sharpie I write my intentions for the new year on the candle. Then I light it and let it burn for the whole first day of January. I also like to do tarot card readings for guidance and have fun creating vision boards to further anchor in my intentions in a way I can be reminded of them throughout the year.
It's true that we must strive toward living in integrity with our deepest intensions every day of the year. The beginning of a new calendar year is an especially potent time to anchor in this way of living. I invite you to have some fun making meaning with your loved ones and getting aligned with your highest expression!
Check out my Instagram
for more inspiration!
© Copyright 2012-2017
All Rights Reserved
Love Joy Wellness